CARRY ON

Alex Carrying Cousin Trent - Fall 2012

When I first started with chemo, I had a visit from a representative of homecare services.  Apparently I was eligible for homecare and they explained to me that someone would be in touch with me.  The homecare nurse did call me and she came over regularly, usually the week after my Thursday chemo session, and checked on me.  There was a series of tests that she would do including blood pressure, temperature, etc…as well as some interview questions to keep track of how I was feeling.  She also kept a list of upcoming appointments and so on and would follow up with me on those outcomes.  I was grateful for the fact that I knew someone would be available to answer any questions that might come up and would be keeping an eye on me.  I was very fortunate.

However, sometimes these visits also made me feel angry that I was in this position where I needed them.  I was also stubborn to the point where I would want to scream at her to go away because I was perfectly fine and I wasn’t one of those old sick people that needs a nurse.  I never did that though.  Of course I always welcomed her into my home and thanked her for what she did for me.  After all, it wasn’t her fault I had this stupid cancer wrecking havoc on my body, my mind, my emotions, and my spirit.  She even came during the Christmas holidays.

Tasza and Dziadzio (Grandpa) - Christmas 2003

On December 21 I had my sixth chemo treatment just six days after getting home from being in isolation at the hospital. Although I was able to do some Christmas preparations I had to accept the fact that I needed to sleep most afternoons and that I needed to slow down, relax, take it easy and however else you want to word it.  In fact it is not so much that I had to do it but more that I simply could not function normally anymore.  No matter how hard I tried to fight it I was done.  In November I was running a couple of times a week and now I had to sit down three or four times just to change the bedsheets.  The fatigue really does build up with each treatment.  It’s not forever it’s just for now...

Christmas 2006

We made it the best possible Christmas we could for our kids and of course they were spoiled with gifts.  However, I felt extremely crappy during this time and tried very hard to stay awake and be a part of things.  It was tough and it took a lot out of me.  I did manage to go for a walk on Christmas Day with the whole family, not far but enough to get some fresh air.  It was strange because there was not a stitch of snow anywhere that year.  I was already having a hard time getting into the Christmas spirit and without snow it made it even harder.

During most of the holidays I remember thinking that all I wanted to do was keep my eyes open and keep the smile on my face as much as I could.  I often excused myself to retreat to my room to lie down.  I felt like I was ruining what is normally such a wonderful time.  I had leaned into Mike’s arms on Christmas Day and asked him if he could ever have imagined that one year ago at our happy Christmas celebration would we be where we were now as 2006 was drawing to a close.  The next question was, “Where will we be next year at this time?”

We had to just carry on and see what happens.

Carry On - FUN

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PRIVATE EYES (They're Watching You)

Mike & I - Christmas 2004

Just before school ended for the Christmas break, Tasza announced that there was going to be a Christmas brunch at her school.  It was being put on by the grade three classes for the parents and I really wanted to be there for her.  Mike and I were going to go together.  The night before the big event I asked her what she wanted me to wear on my head.  I told her whatever would make her the most comfortable was what I would do.  I offered to wear a scarf or a hat or even one of the wigs that I had bought and never worn.  She told me to go the way I was because that was me.  Just plain old bald me.  So if the bald thing wasn’t going to bother her then that was what I would do.  It was going to be tough with all the kids seeing me and once again I was amazed at how brave and strong she was to face that with all her classmates.

When we arrived at the school I got that familiar lump in my throat and felt nervous walking into the library area that was filling up with parents and students.  I took a deep breath and swallowed it back and tried to act as normal as possible.  We found a table in the far corner and sat there with some friends.  I wanted to be as far away from germs as possible.  I wasn’t a germaphobe but I certainly didn’t want to end up at the hospital again with Christmas just around the corner. 

So there we were sitting at our table, minding our own business, having our brunch when I noticed one little boy really staring at us.  He came closer and then he walked around our table checking us out.  He walked around and around again.  Then he went over to my courageous little girl and the conversation went something like this:

Mike, Bailey & I - Christmas 2006

 “Are those your parents?”

 “Yes they are,” Tasza replied with a proud smile.

 “And they’re both bald?!?!” asked the incredulous little boy.

“Yes they are,” Tasza said and then she added, “But my Mom’s hair is gonna grow back but my Dad is stuck like that forever!”

I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.  I was so proud of her and she was just so funny and honest and proud.  She just tells it like it is.  Man I love those kids of mine!

I will never, ever forget that day.  Sometimes you gotta take the good with the bad.  Sometimes you gotta laugh.  Sometimes you gotta cry.  But each and every day brings something new to add to our collection of memories.

Private Eyes - Hall & Oates

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I'LL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS

It was so great to get out of the hospital and to get home just before Christmas!  It felt so good to be in my own house with everyone that I love.  There really is no place like home.

  

Me and My Bailey - Fall 2010

One of my best friends was there to greet me as she always is.  My Bailey girl.  The greatest dog ever.  I really don’t know how I would have gotten through each day without her.  I remember reading somewhere that animals, especially dogs, can sense when there is something wrong with us humans.  Bailey certainly seemed to sense it and was always by my side.  When I was really feeling down she would stay very close and just put her head on my lap and look at me.  Other times she would follow me around the house and I would talk to her about all kinds of things.  Why not?  One time when I was lying on the couch, feeling like crap, crying my head off, feeling sorry for myself and wanting my Mommy to look after me; Bailey slowly walked over to me and quietly put her head on my shoulder.  How awesome is that?  Man’s best friend?  More like a girl’s best friend.  Who needs diamonds?

So getting home made me very happy and I was able to do what I could to prepare for Christmas.  I got Christmas cards done and mailed.  The house was also decorated a bit.  I wasn’t worrying about food preparations or anything like that because my Dad and Sheila were coming and I knew that they would help out with that.  I remember feeling tired and weak almost all the time.  I was also afraid of getting sick and avoided people as much as I could.  Being out in public was not something I wanted to do.  Although Mike and I are both usually sociable people that enjoy parties and being with friends, we were starting to feel like hermits.  We just kind of wanted to shut the world off because we were in our own world now that was consumed with cancer and treatments and doctor appointments and there was nobody that could understand our world right now.  Well nobody we knew anyway.  They weren’t in it like we were.

Tasza & her cousin Trent
opening gifts - Christmas 2004

We had tried to organize to have a Christmas party earlier in December and had even sent out invitations thinking that maybe it might do us good to be around lots of people to pull us out of this funk we were in.  Then when I ended up in the hospital we had to cancel the party.  That was another crappy thing that Mike got stuck doing.  He had to tell everyone what happened and then had deal with the questions and so on.

Mike also told me that there was a steady stream of friends at the door bringing food for him and the kids while I was in the hospital.  He had a hard time with that.  He felt like he should be reciprocating somehow.   My Dad told him that wasn’t necessary.  He gave some good advice:  just say thank you.  That’s it.  Folks know that it’s appreciated and they want to somehow feel that they are contributing to help in some way.  They are not expecting anything in return.  So just a simple thank you.  My Dad is a pretty wise man don’t you think?

It was nearing the end of December and we were home and getting settled in for a long winter’s nap.

I'll Be Home for Christmas - Rascal Flatts

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