So now we had the results. A diagnosis. And we fell to pieces. When we left the doctor’s office after getting the news and recovering from our initial meltdown, we made our way outside to the car and then we just sat there and didn’t know what to do. All of a sudden our lives had changed without us asking for it and we had no idea where to go or what to say or what to think. So, we decided to eat. Food helps in times of crisis right? We went to a restaurant and the waitress must have thought we were completely bonkers because we cried all throughout our meal. We managed to laugh once or twice but mostly I cried.
|Mike & I & Food - Barry's Bay 2004|
It was a bit of a relief that we now had an answer and that the waiting part was over. It wasn’t the answer we wanted but it was an answer. They had found cancer cells. Wasn’t that a kick in the ass! They had found cancer cells. Are you kidding me? Nope they had found cancer cells. Seriously? In my body. In my healthy, young and not-too-bad-in-a-bikini-for-a-forty-year-old body.
|Mike & I - Providence Bay 2005|
Now we had the worst case scenario answer. No more “what ifs and maybes”. We now knew and we would have to take the next steps to do whatever it was going to take to get rid of this cancer. Of course we had no idea what to expect next or what those steps would be but we would take them together regardless. It was going to take some time to digest this news and have the reality of it sink in. Only briefly did the thought cross my mind that this was a disease that could be fatal.
I really didn’t even know exactly what cancer was anyway. All I knew about cancer was that it was a horrible disease that got inside people’s bodies and could kill them. People of all ages and from all walks of life get cancer. It didn’t matter who you were or where you lived or how much money you had in the bank. Cancer was something that could attack anyone. Now it was attacking me. It made me feel yucky and I just wanted to get it out of my body as quickly as possible. I was healthy. I hardly even ever got a cold. I ate fairly well. I exercised. I was positive and young and healthy and happy and on top of the world with my life, my husband, my kids, my friends. What did I do to deserve this? Why me? So many questions. No answers.
I Fall to Pieces - Patsy Cline
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